It’s been three months since I hit publish on my last blog post. A short enough time span that you all remember me (I hope), but long enough that I owe you an explanation.
I don’t owe explanations, per say! I mean, I guess we all go through some shit and schedules shift and what have you. But I also have remained transparent throughout my blogging time. So this time will not become the exception.
In order to give you my explanation, I need to share with you a little story.
It’s late fall of 2016. As snowflakes began twirling and falling silently, the first signs of a Canadian winter are becoming present. And our house took an, albeit united, still very annoyed breathe.
My kids and I are fair weather people. We don’t mind winter, as long as the sun is shining and it’s not cold. Which, as many of you know, these such requirements do not bode well for a Canadian winter family.
(My husband, however, loves winter, as it allows for him to ride his beloved snowmobile. Actually ride it, instead of just walking around it, looking at it and buffing his precious baby, with a diaper)
As myself and my three kids gather around the picture window of our living room and watch the snow accumulate, C actually says “Awe crap! I hate winter!” I chuckle, because who am I kidding – we were all thinking it!
And in that moment, I make my kids a promise, which I thought would make a great “pie- in-the-sky” dream for someday.
I say, “Guys, if I make $__,___ dollars per month on my blog, I will buy us a winter house in Phoenix.”
B, forever the accountant says, “What about Dad’s job?”
I assure him, “Dad, could take the winters off and that number I stated would cover everything!”
A cheer erupts in our house and a dream is born.
Now time for the transparency:
For many months prior to this, individuals/companies have been contacting me and stating “When you are ready, I would be interested in advertising on your blog.” and I have placed this information into my back pocket.
So, a few days after I created the Phoenix winter dream with my kids, I sit down and set to work. Forehead in my hands, which is always how I do my best thinking, I set to create and scheme and plan. I decide all the avenues and opportunities I could propose to companies and individuals in order to monetize my blog.
I work feverishly, only stopping for smoke breaks, filled with daydreams showing more revenue avenues for the blog.
Four hours later a plan is complete and ready for action. All possible scenarios have been devised and a general revenue plan has been reached. So it becomes time for the add up. I sit with calculator in hand and add up all the avenues and revenues I have created.
And then something happened.
As I pressed the equals sign, and my projected monthly grand total flashed across the tiny screen, my body jolted!
I had it.
The number I stated to my kids days earlier, I had it. In fact, I had it ALL – PLUS an ADDITIONAL $80!
It took me a minute to realize what that meant, that we could have it. Plus we could have MORE than that. This monetization plan I created wasn’t spectacular. In truth, it was incredibly basic. Nothing mind blowing or difficult to obtain, if I can be brutally honest.
I’m not saying it wasn’t spectacular so you can tell me it was, instead I’m saying it wasn’t spectacular because, to me, it was just basic common sense ad placement and revenue opportunities.
Nothing a standard business person wouldn’t figure out too.
In fact, the monetization plan made so much damn sense, that I knew it would actually work!
So, I reacted the way I always do. I gathered the white scribbled up pieces of paper into a pile.
All the projections, budgets and opportunities were now neatly stacked.
And, being the mature adult that I am, I walked into my sitting room, pulled my blanket over my head and hit the brakes – HARD! I hit the brakes on the blog, I hit the brakes on my dream, on my kids dream of a winter free winter, but most importantly I hit the brakes on me succeeding at something I love and created.
The blanket was so luxuriously safe. So I snuggled under. I pulled the blanket tight around my head and my body to make sure no monsters could get at my feet. And I laid there, telling myself crazy, made up stories about what I actually deserve.
I would tell myself things like:
“Who are you to have that kind of money per month?”
“You will never commit to that. Its impossible and as a result, you will surely disappoint someone!”
And my personal favorite (saracasm noted here)
“That seemed way too easy. You clearly have missed something. If it was that easy, everyone would be doing it. You had to have missed something important”
While the world continued forward, and the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, I stayed under my blanket. I stayed there so long that my blanket breathe was no longer comfortable. In fact, it was creating an uncomfortable sweat reaction in my body, much like when I was a child in a blanket fort.
Yet I stayed.
I stayed because now my discomfort was my personal punishment for not following my dream. My punishment for hitting the brakes.
I know the laws of attraction. I do. I can recite to you every single energetic requirement to attract money and wealth into your life. And I can manifest a plan or sit in the space of creating a dream with very little effort.
I even can tell you that it’s your birth right to have anything you dream. In fact, I know enough to tell you if you can dream it, it’s already yours, the universe will move everything for you to have it. You just need to decide that you want it and it’s done.
I know, impressive, right!
My hang up is always the self worth. The feeling of deserving to have anything you dream.
Don’t get me wrong, I have worked hard over the past six years to grow. Therefore, I could proudly say, I have a higher self worth than I have ever had!
Even so, sometimes when I’m not looking the lack of self worth sneaks in. It grabs me around the neck, pulls me from under my blanket fort and forces me into submission.
Meanwhile I’m left trying to remember all the training I took in preparation for this moment. Much like a shocked mall cop, when he deals with his first aggressive shoplifter, and therefore gets to use his handcuffs for the first time.
Because, still, sometimes even with all the knowledge I have, self worth, takes me down. Drops me to my knees. Cuts my breathe and stands over me, staring at me. Snarling at me. Hating me. And making me hate myself.
In the beginning of one of these episodes, I play nice with my self worth abductor, by telling myself it hurts less if I just go along with it. I also say things like, it’s probably for the best this way because that dream would never work.
Slowly though, as the hours tick by, I grow to hate my ugly, angry captor. So I pray to whomever is listening. The Universe. Creator. God. The title is irrelevant, yet the job is the same for all of them. “Help me get the fuck out of here!”
Suddenly I hear a ring tone. It’s a ring tone, that fittingly is entitled, circles. A ring tone that signifies help. It signifies strength and assurance. Acceptance and love.
I fumble around the darkest, recessed corners of my prison cell, proding and searching for the cell phone that has miraculously found its way to my silent hell.
I furiously pound my fingers on the screen, until the message comes to life. It’s my coach, Jodie, with these words:
“Everyone gets scared. Everyone hits the brakes sometimes. It’s those who decide to come back to the table that are the truest winners!”
I stuff the cell phone in my pocket, lean against the cold wall of my cell, and devise a plan. A plan of escape. For weeks, I watch the landscape and the patterns, and like a hunter preparing for a kill, I sit silently and patiently, until my opportunity for freedom presents itself.
I eat intuitively, take care of my body, get rest, move and shake and raise my vibration to a place that I know is my normal. And each night as that bastard self worth checks in on me, I nod and smile. A fake smile, but it doesn’t seem to notice.
And the day arrives. It’s time. That morning, as self worth does it rounds and ensures I am still under the spell. To ensure I’m still it’s prisoner, I lurch forward. I push hard against the door, as self worth tries to slam it in my face.
I am stronger because of all the things I have done to take care of me and I am able to push Self Worth to the ground. There is a million things I want to say to it, like to never, ever find me again, but I know my window of escape is limited, so instead I leap over it, run up the rickety stairs and to the front door.
I fling it wide open and run down the sidewalk. The sunlight hurts my eyes, but still I run as hard and as fast as my legs will carry me. My breathe is pulling in deep chugs from my lungs. The air rushes my face and tears escape my eyes, I’m terrified, but, damn it, I’m free.
The escape has happened so fast, that I can’t help, but check over my shoulder periodically. But it appears my captor is either not as crafty as I gave it credit, or it doesn’t care that I’m gone!
With shaky knees, like that of a baby fawn, I return back. Back to my self, back to my kids, back to my house, back to my blog and back to my dream.
With sweaty hands and a rapid heart, I compose a blog post apology. Because isn’t that what victims do, always apologize first.
As I hit post, I say a silent prayer that my followers will understand.
I also send love to anyone who has been taken down and locked away from the captor that is self worth.
I’m back at the table! And it’s a huge honor to be back here. I may not feel like a winner, but I’m gonna try my hardest to be one!
Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to retrieve the white, scribbled papers from the pile in which they were stacked months earlier. I think they deserve a review.
Thank you for sharing in my journey!
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