A Week of Emotional Disconnect & What I Learned

Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Lately things have been shifting pretty fast over here.  I hit the ground running a few weeks ago with my “My Apologies for my disappearance….I was abducted” post.

After hitting submit on that post, I headed out of town to work on a project with a friend.

That Monday came and everything dumped on its side.  Perhaps it was because I was tired.  Perhaps it was because of the project I worked on…Regardless of the reason, something happened on Monday.

And although it’s difficult to put into words, I also know that so often during my most difficult moments, I am reminded that somewhere out there someone else is feeling the same way.

So for those people, I create this post for today.

The Monday started as many of my Mondays over the past three months have started, exhausted.   From the moment, my head lifted from my blessed pillow my brain argued with my body.  My body was confident we had enough sleep to function, but my mind severely disagreed and longingly wished to climb back under the blankets in which we had just emerged.

I came down the stairs, entered the kitchen and placed my favorite purple coffee mug onto the launch pad of the Keurig.  As the coffee lovingly gurgled my sign for a day of new beginnings, I stretched and yawned and looked around my house.

Perhaps I had been under my blanket for far too long and so I was still adjusting to the sunlight that my eyes had grown unaccustomed to.  Whatever the reason, that morning as I looked around my house, the piles of toys, the clutter, the papers, the STUFF — it all seemed like ALOT.

As I removed my coffee from the machine and brought the first, delightful sip to my mouth, I honest to God thought, “Did nobody take care of anything around here while I was gone?”

As soon as the thought erupted in my mind, I remember thinking “Lana, that is absurd, you weren’t actually gone, you know that right.”

Yet, I really DID feel like I was gone for the past three months.  I felt like I was on vacation or an extended leave and finally came back to my life.  Except upon my return, I was trying to squeeze and maneuver myself back in which seemed to require a lot of exertion.

And still everything became more and more strange as the day (and week) went on.

Suddenly my furniture felt uncomfortable.  And dark and heavy and boring.

My favorite pants were no longer my favorite.  In fact, my entire closet felt like someone else had purchased the clothing and placed them in my closet WITHOUT EVER considering what I would like.

My soothing music in my truck was now loud and harsh.  Radio stations were flipped through at lightening speed with little recognition or enjoyment of any tune being played.

The dings on our walls created by our children being children, that were once charming and a right of passage, now seemed like deep canyons which gaped with rude obviousness.

Comedians weren’t funny. Period! I always try to shift my vibration by watching comedians.  This week, not even these could shift me.

My kids seemed incredibly LOUD and whiny and needy. As well as completely incapable of understanding the words coming out of my mouth.  Which in truth, was half my fault, because I couldn’t seem to decipher what they were asking either.

My bed was hard and smelly adorned with pilled and scratchy sheets.

The ideas and things I felt were fun last week were no longer interesting to me at all.

Friendships were dissected and noticed for their truths.

So many things happened that week, all of which felt so foreign to me.  So far away from me.  So completely disconnected to me.

All the things (aside from my family) were no longer of interest to me.  It’s like I didn’t recognize anything in my life.

I know for much of the week, I wasn’t in my body.  I know I do that when shit gets hard.  I compartmentalize.  I drift away. So as a result, I felt very airy and even more lost.

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In honesty, I actually remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking, “What the fuck happened to me?”  I felt as though I was plopped into a body that was much too large, and much too old and much to uncared for.  As a result, I then thought “Crap, this is gonna be a lot of work to get this body back in proper working order.”  (Which I know sounds laughable, but yet it illustrates the level of disconnection that I was going through)

The headaches were enormous and laced with nausea.

By now, I’m sure you get the picture, and now you’re wondering why this was happening to me:

I can’t exactly explain for good reason why this happened.  Usually when I share my posts I have a problem followed by a solution.  This time I don’t have such a neat little package to present you.

I do understand that lately I have been working on me, in new ways.

I also know we have many planets in Retrograde right now, however I really don’t feel they are to blame. In fact, I feel the opposite  and instead believe these retrogrades are helping our planet and us sort through everything more effectively.

I also know that the movement into the 5th Dimension Energy (as soon as I figure out a proper way to write about 5th Dimension, I will create a post to share with you)is affecting me; clearly more than I ever realized.

The only way I can begin to properly explain how I felt that week is like this:  Our brains carry files.  When we are sad, our brain pulls a file to figure out how to make us happy again.  My brain was pulling files, but my body was like the bitchy lady from The Devil Wears Prada shaking her head irritated and stating “No, try again”

So my brain kept pulling file after file after file.  But she still wasn’t happy.

Friday was horrible for me.  I felt so incredibly sad and lost and I didn’t have any clue how to fix it.  So that night I cried, ALOT.

Saturday I left my house with a complete loss of self.  I was out to run errands, but I had high hopes on finding myself in the process.  Or finding something that made me happy, in the very least.

As I drove (with my stereo off because  – ugh – that dreadful music) I was close to freakin’ out.  My brain was blowing files and trying to right us, but it was also starting to get scared because it couldn’t figure out what was going on.

And then suddenly my brain pulled a file dated November 2014.

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I sat in a room in Sedona, Arizona.  Knowing I was on the cusp of transition.  Knowing that everything was going to change.  Knowing I was going to be ok, even though the change was uncomfortable as hell.

November 2014 I had gone to Sedona to attend a conference that was being held by my coach.  I knew this was my last hoorah with her.  I knew I was essentially saying Good Bye to her and moving into a new direction with a new coach. 

Before the conference even started, I sat in the Arizona sun breathing deep as my brain pulled file after file trying to figure it all out.

I was scared and felt disconnected from everything. 

Back in current day, as Regina blows by my trucks windows, I take a deep breathe and realize…

The last time I felt like this, the change that came was one of the greatest change I will ever know.  It was a change that catapulted me into who I am today.  It created the latest version of me — Lana 2.0, if you will.

So by Saturday I decided, I will be ok.  I don’t know what the newest version of me will look like.  But I know it will be worth it.  As I ran my errands, I took a mental inventory of everything that felt foreign and decided to honor the foreign-ness of it all.  If my music was loud and harsh, then I would buy all new discs for my truck.  If my clothes felt uncomfortable, I would buy new comfy clothes.

Because I understand, I am shifting and changing and sometimes that means that my world has to shift and change to keep up.  What was once safe and calming for me, is no longer so.  That doesn’t mean that I am neither safe nor calm, it means my body needs something different to create the safe and calm environment.  So that’s what it shall be.

With plenty of elbow room (because who buys CD’s nowadays) in Walmart Electronics Department I sifted through compact discs, the fog in my brain began to lift.

And I felt happier somehow.

When I placed the new discs on the checkout counter, my brain stopped looking for files.  Because clearly we were never meant to find those files anyway.  So we (my brain and I) are now creating new files.  As we wish.  As we can.  And it feels damn good.

For anyone who is feeling disconnected from your life, know that I’m sending you love.  It’s feels scary, especially when you don’t recognize things that you KNOW once made you happy.  It’s ok!  You are safe.  And you are capable of creating a new path.  And new files.  You can do anything you want to do.  Anyway you want to.  Take your time.  Don’t rush your body.  Just listen.  You will get there.  Hugs and love to you, my brave friends!

Thanks for sharing in my journey.

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What Price Would You Put On Your Life?

Photo courtesy of Pixabay

According to Google, the average person will own 12 vehicles in their lifetime; with an average price tag of $33,560 EACH!  Cities are filled and overflowing with car lots showcasing new and shiny vehicles ranging in econo to luxury.

Their flashy chrome packages or sleek tire rims wrapped in the aroma of the coveted “new car smell” makes even the most stealthy, household budgeter lustily swoon.

We have been trained, as a society, that the number of kilometers on a vehicle indicates how GOOD the vehicle is.  Any vehicle over 200,000kms becomes an object in which individuals squint and drive; surely convinced their vehicle is nearly worthless and ready to break down.

Recently, at a tradeshow, as I discussed my hourly rate with someone, she scoffed at me, rolled her eyes, and asked me, “How do I justify that kind of expense in my life.”

I get it.  I understand that the mere idea of spending $180 on yourself for a ONE hour session can boggle your mind.  I also, understand not every budget can accommodate this type of extravagance.  However, I want to wager a guess, that many households can afford it, yet choose to put their money elsewhere.

In fact, I will confidently lay down a bet that the belief structure of it being an obscene expense is really just that – – a belief structure.

And far be it from me to judge.

Instead I would like to add a perspective to this that perhaps some of you have never considered:

<First, I would like to take this juncture in the post,  to clarify this is not my personal plea for a larger client base.  It is merely the showcasing of a trend.  A trend that does not serve you.  A trend that you have believed; perhaps without even realizing it.  And I implore you to gift yourself the opportunity think differently.>

Six years ago, the idea of spending this kind of money on myself each week to get me out of my depression seemed staggering.  I had very little issue, however, justifying the anti-depressant prescription bill each month.  And the time off work because I was continuously sick, seemed a small cost to pay as well.

Yet the prospect of spending a large amount of money for ONE hour, well … my brain just simply could not justify it.

The only reason my husband and I agreed to a life coach was because every other avenue had created very little results.  We were at a “nothing-to-lose” crossroads, so we apprehensively spent the money.

Over the past six years, if I had to guess, I would say that I have spent (easily) near $30,000 on the betterment of my health.  This money was used for private hourly sessions, conferences, workshops and whatever else I needed to learn how create my life.  At one time, I recall, spending upwards of $750 in just ONE MONTH (for several months), on private life coaching sessions in order to keep on track.

<I literally heard a whistle escape your lips.  Just bear with me.>

How could I justify that expense?  How did our family live?

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We lived with this thought process …

When I was 21 years old I walked into the local Chevrolet dealership and drove a brand new Blazer off the lot.  It had 15kms on it.  It was sweet.  It was my baby and I was so proud.  Yet, that thing nearly broke me financially.  It was horrible on fuel as it only got about 20miles per gallon.  Add to that the insurance per month and the monthly payment.  I was easily spending $600 per month.  (The bill would be higher, should I decide to take the “gas guzzler” on a road trip – yeesh)

At the end of three years, I sold the Blazer because it was too hard on fuel, and bought a Chevrolet Malibu.  Although it wasn’t brand new as the Blazer was, it was still only two years old.

What’s my point?  I never batted an eye over buying the Blazer.  Never.  I wanted it.  I had convinced myself that I would do anything to afford it. And I did.

So why don’t we give the same courtesy to our body.  To our minds?  To our spirits?  Why can we justify a vehicle purchase — but not a coaching session? (or any monies spent towards the betterment of your mind, body and spirit –  such as hot yoga, organic food, alternative healing modalities, etc)

What if we consider our bodies our vehicles.  Except with this vehicle, YOU ONLY GET ONE.  There is no trade ins when the kilometers get too high.  There is no lease buy backs or absolutely no refunds.

This body IS IT.  You only get one.

We would NEVER expect our Blazer to run without an oil change or seasonal maintenance.

Yet, we expect our bodies to.

We never expect our Blazer to come sit on our driveways for free.

Yet we expect our bodies to.

Consider your body your vehicle.  What price would you place on your life?

People say, how will my family live without that money I’m spending on me?  Well guess what, if I hadn’t spent that money on me, my family would be without me.   I wrote about this in a post entitled “To the Edge and Back” – so I won’t rehash again for you now lol

I will just say this:  I’m confident my husband and I would spend the money again, if it meant I could be the person I am today.  If it meant I could smile and be present in their lives like I am now.

$30,000 is a heck of a deal for the vehicle that is my body!  What price would your put on your life?

Thank you for sharing in my journey.

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