A Week of Emotional Disconnect & What I Learned

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Lately things have been shifting pretty fast over here.  I hit the ground running a few weeks ago with my “My Apologies for my disappearance….I was abducted” post.

After hitting submit on that post, I headed out of town to work on a project with a friend.

That Monday came and everything dumped on its side.  Perhaps it was because I was tired.  Perhaps it was because of the project I worked on…Regardless of the reason, something happened on Monday.

And although it’s difficult to put into words, I also know that so often during my most difficult moments, I am reminded that somewhere out there someone else is feeling the same way.

So for those people, I create this post for today.

The Monday started as many of my Mondays over the past three months have started, exhausted.   From the moment, my head lifted from my blessed pillow my brain argued with my body.  My body was confident we had enough sleep to function, but my mind severely disagreed and longingly wished to climb back under the blankets in which we had just emerged.

I came down the stairs, entered the kitchen and placed my favorite purple coffee mug onto the launch pad of the Keurig.  As the coffee lovingly gurgled my sign for a day of new beginnings, I stretched and yawned and looked around my house.

Perhaps I had been under my blanket for far too long and so I was still adjusting to the sunlight that my eyes had grown unaccustomed to.  Whatever the reason, that morning as I looked around my house, the piles of toys, the clutter, the papers, the STUFF — it all seemed like ALOT.

As I removed my coffee from the machine and brought the first, delightful sip to my mouth, I honest to God thought, “Did nobody take care of anything around here while I was gone?”

As soon as the thought erupted in my mind, I remember thinking “Lana, that is absurd, you weren’t actually gone, you know that right.”

Yet, I really DID feel like I was gone for the past three months.  I felt like I was on vacation or an extended leave and finally came back to my life.  Except upon my return, I was trying to squeeze and maneuver myself back in which seemed to require a lot of exertion.

And still everything became more and more strange as the day (and week) went on.

Suddenly my furniture felt uncomfortable.  And dark and heavy and boring.

My favorite pants were no longer my favorite.  In fact, my entire closet felt like someone else had purchased the clothing and placed them in my closet WITHOUT EVER considering what I would like.

My soothing music in my truck was now loud and harsh.  Radio stations were flipped through at lightening speed with little recognition or enjoyment of any tune being played.

The dings on our walls created by our children being children, that were once charming and a right of passage, now seemed like deep canyons which gaped with rude obviousness.

Comedians weren’t funny. Period! I always try to shift my vibration by watching comedians.  This week, not even these could shift me.

My kids seemed incredibly LOUD and whiny and needy. As well as completely incapable of understanding the words coming out of my mouth.  Which in truth, was half my fault, because I couldn’t seem to decipher what they were asking either.

My bed was hard and smelly adorned with pilled and scratchy sheets.

The ideas and things I felt were fun last week were no longer interesting to me at all.

Friendships were dissected and noticed for their truths.

So many things happened that week, all of which felt so foreign to me.  So far away from me.  So completely disconnected to me.

All the things (aside from my family) were no longer of interest to me.  It’s like I didn’t recognize anything in my life.

I know for much of the week, I wasn’t in my body.  I know I do that when shit gets hard.  I compartmentalize.  I drift away. So as a result, I felt very airy and even more lost.

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In honesty, I actually remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking, “What the fuck happened to me?”  I felt as though I was plopped into a body that was much too large, and much too old and much to uncared for.  As a result, I then thought “Crap, this is gonna be a lot of work to get this body back in proper working order.”  (Which I know sounds laughable, but yet it illustrates the level of disconnection that I was going through)

The headaches were enormous and laced with nausea.

By now, I’m sure you get the picture, and now you’re wondering why this was happening to me:

I can’t exactly explain for good reason why this happened.  Usually when I share my posts I have a problem followed by a solution.  This time I don’t have such a neat little package to present you.

I do understand that lately I have been working on me, in new ways.

I also know we have many planets in Retrograde right now, however I really don’t feel they are to blame. In fact, I feel the opposite  and instead believe these retrogrades are helping our planet and us sort through everything more effectively.

I also know that the movement into the 5th Dimension Energy (as soon as I figure out a proper way to write about 5th Dimension, I will create a post to share with you)is affecting me; clearly more than I ever realized.

The only way I can begin to properly explain how I felt that week is like this:  Our brains carry files.  When we are sad, our brain pulls a file to figure out how to make us happy again.  My brain was pulling files, but my body was like the bitchy lady from The Devil Wears Prada shaking her head irritated and stating “No, try again”

So my brain kept pulling file after file after file.  But she still wasn’t happy.

Friday was horrible for me.  I felt so incredibly sad and lost and I didn’t have any clue how to fix it.  So that night I cried, ALOT.

Saturday I left my house with a complete loss of self.  I was out to run errands, but I had high hopes on finding myself in the process.  Or finding something that made me happy, in the very least.

As I drove (with my stereo off because  – ugh – that dreadful music) I was close to freakin’ out.  My brain was blowing files and trying to right us, but it was also starting to get scared because it couldn’t figure out what was going on.

And then suddenly my brain pulled a file dated November 2014.

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I sat in a room in Sedona, Arizona.  Knowing I was on the cusp of transition.  Knowing that everything was going to change.  Knowing I was going to be ok, even though the change was uncomfortable as hell.

November 2014 I had gone to Sedona to attend a conference that was being held by my coach.  I knew this was my last hoorah with her.  I knew I was essentially saying Good Bye to her and moving into a new direction with a new coach. 

Before the conference even started, I sat in the Arizona sun breathing deep as my brain pulled file after file trying to figure it all out.

I was scared and felt disconnected from everything. 

Back in current day, as Regina blows by my trucks windows, I take a deep breathe and realize…

The last time I felt like this, the change that came was one of the greatest change I will ever know.  It was a change that catapulted me into who I am today.  It created the latest version of me — Lana 2.0, if you will.

So by Saturday I decided, I will be ok.  I don’t know what the newest version of me will look like.  But I know it will be worth it.  As I ran my errands, I took a mental inventory of everything that felt foreign and decided to honor the foreign-ness of it all.  If my music was loud and harsh, then I would buy all new discs for my truck.  If my clothes felt uncomfortable, I would buy new comfy clothes.

Because I understand, I am shifting and changing and sometimes that means that my world has to shift and change to keep up.  What was once safe and calming for me, is no longer so.  That doesn’t mean that I am neither safe nor calm, it means my body needs something different to create the safe and calm environment.  So that’s what it shall be.

With plenty of elbow room (because who buys CD’s nowadays) in Walmart Electronics Department I sifted through compact discs, the fog in my brain began to lift.

And I felt happier somehow.

When I placed the new discs on the checkout counter, my brain stopped looking for files.  Because clearly we were never meant to find those files anyway.  So we (my brain and I) are now creating new files.  As we wish.  As we can.  And it feels damn good.

For anyone who is feeling disconnected from your life, know that I’m sending you love.  It’s feels scary, especially when you don’t recognize things that you KNOW once made you happy.  It’s ok!  You are safe.  And you are capable of creating a new path.  And new files.  You can do anything you want to do.  Anyway you want to.  Take your time.  Don’t rush your body.  Just listen.  You will get there.  Hugs and love to you, my brave friends!

Thanks for sharing in my journey.

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I Did These 3 Non Traditional Things and Lost 35 Pounds

I recently lost 35 pounds. It has been significant enough that people have started to comment when they see me “Wow, you look great. What have you been doing?”

And then I get all awkward and say “Nothing” Because what I have been doing is weird and “hoopy-doopy” and non-traditional.
So then they begin to prod further. “C’mon, you gotta be doing something”

While I just shrug and mull in my mind a way to explain what I have been doing differently, they continue on, “Have you been eating healthier.” I shake my head.

“Have you been exercising,” they ask.

I will usually giggle and reply “I don’t run. In fact, should you ever see me running, you should run too because there is a good chance there is a large bear or an ax murderer chasing me”

So what did I do? I did these three weird and “hoopy-doopy” and non-traditional things

1) I started sending love to my body

I have not loved myself, well… EVER! I thought I did. I was a “normal” woman who closely inspected her body while undressing for the shower.

OR

Completely avoided the mirror all together while undressing for the shower. But I certainly didn’t hate myself. Well, I didn’t think I did anyway.

BUT

I certainly didn’t find myself horrific to look at. I knew I was over weight, but I hated diets and exercise so I just stayed where I was at physically.

Society has taught us that women inspect themselves for flaws. (We’ve all seen the commercials) They are to keep trying to strive for perfect. To strive for flat tummies and/or abs. To strive for thin. To strive for a vision of fashion model perfect. And the irony is, if you quiz any woman they KNOW that the fashion magazines are photoshopped. That they aren’t true representations of the model herself. We know. Yet we still hold the visual.

So we strive for perfect. We count calories. We diet. We ration our portions. We run. We exercise. We deny ourselves chocolate cake and peanut buster parfaits and wine, our beloved wine! All to aspire to be the photo of perfection that we know doesn’t exist.

And let me be clear: Some people LOVE exercise. Some people LOVE pushing their limits on a weight bench. Perfect. Honor that. But I’m not that woman. It’s hell for me. I never enjoy that process and rarely remain committed to a work out routine or diet. Could that change for me someday? Sure. But not today. And tomorrow’s not looking promising either. (Lol)

I was at a Seminar in March of 2015 for the betterment of my business as a Psychic Medium with the amazing, and incredibly talented, Jodie Rollins.

During the seminar she stated “No matter what you tell yourself about your body, it reacts. Your body is the biggest form of energy. If you believe your fat, the energy will react and bring you more. If you fill your body with love and appreciation, your body will react. No matter what you tell your body it will react.”

(I’m paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea)

I came home with a lot from that seminar that weekend, but this had to be the most
profound.

For those of you who have worked with me in the past or attending a live empowerment show, you’ve heard me say “I’m a tangible girl. Don’t just tell me something is going to work, prove it to me”.

I don’t teach anyone anything I haven’t proven myself. I don’t know why, but so far it’s seemed to work out that way.

(Sorry I went off on a little tangent there)

I came home from the seminar and began testing the theory. Each night as I undressed for the shower instead of inspecting my body for flaws, I began sending love:

Thank you stomach for housing THREE beautiful kids for nine months until they were strong enough to come into this world.

Thank you hands for holding my coffee to my lips each morning so I can start my day with my smile.

You get the point. On and on I went throughout my entire body. And although I began to lose weigh it wasn’t significant, but my body did shift. I lost about 5 lbs with sending my body love.

So then came the next step. The step so big that when it was suggested to me, it literally made me sweat. My body had such a HUGE reaction to the mere IDEA that I put it off. For weeks.

Finally nearly two weeks later, in full out sweat, I took the next step.

2) I created “I love myself” visual reminders

Armed with neon orange sticky notes, I embellished each slip of paper with bold, black letters that stated “I LOVE MYSELF”

I placed them every where. I swear I did. And my housekeeper would vouch for me as she had to clean around more than one.

I placed them in my bathroom on the mirrors. In my fridge on the shelves where I could see them. Inside every cupboard I used daily. Inside my phone case. In my truck. EVERYWHERE.

Each time I saw them I would take a breathe and recite in my head “I love myself” and then breathe out. That’s it.

They, also, created a fun reaction in our home. Each time my husband or my oldest son, went for milk or cups they would declare, I love myself!! It was awesomely supportive and so great to have everyone (who could read) reciting these words too.

I should add: Loving yourself does not make you boastful or arrogant or self-righteous. Loving yourself brings you peace. Instead of looking to others for compliments or to fill your cup of self worth — you go within. It’s beautiful and creates a personal strength.

And when you finally do receive a compliment from someone, it will be a nice, extra little gift to you that you can hold onto with your already existing self love.

The compliment will become the icing on the already existing cake. Instead of depending on someone else to provide the cake AND the icing. (Yep, I love cake that much to
create an analogy around it lol)

3) I listened to my body and honoured it

The last thing I did was honor my body. I began to eat what my body wanted. ANYTHING it wanted. I am so serious when I say ANYTHING. For the first week I, literally, ate a Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait EVERYDAY! People find this step the most unbelievable.

Maybe it was my body or maybe it was my mind who was craving the parfait, but regardless I didn’t deny myself any craving.

Very soon I stopped craving the snacks that are deemed by society as “unhealthy” and started craving other foods. A variety of foods. Sushi, chicken (lots of chicken for some reason) and salad!

I’m now eating things because I want to and not because someone else said I could or could not. Eatinfg them because I have listened to my body and honoured it. No denying anything. I can’t even tell you what’s a “good fat” or “bad fat” or what a carb is. It doesn’t matter to me anyway. If my body wants chicken – it gets chicken. And if wants ice cream, yep I eat ice cream.

No denying. No portion control. No more telling myself if I can have something.

This step was perhaps the most empowering because society has created a laundry list of foods that are good or bad. Healthy or unhealthy. But remember your body reacts no matter what you tell it.

So go ahead, tell your body that what you just ate has a TON of sugar and will cause you to grow another ass cheek OR tell your body – if this is what we want this is what we will have.

Just imagine for a moment the energy you create when you give yourself a “cheat day”. You are telling your body: “Everything I’m putting in my body is BAD” and so you are sitting in that BAD rebellious energy all day. Please stop causing yourself this type of guilt.

How did I listen to my body. Before preparing supper each night I sat with each meal option in my mind. And would imagine eating it. Let yourself imagine the taste, texture etc. Do you still want to eat that?? If yes, honor it. If no, continue imagining different meals options until your excited about what you are preparing.

I started these processes one year ago. But seen significant changes in my body when I implemented Steps 2 & 3.

I don’t have the usual before and after pictures because, quite frankly, I was a HUGE skeptic who didn’t believe this shit would actually work (lol), and most certainly didn’t expect 35 pounds of weight loss. But I promise you, it indeed does work! Do I guarantee you a weight loss. Nope because that will get me sued. But I do guarantee a peace of mind. And self love!

Now, I’m sure you can understand why I get awkward when someone asks about my weight loss. Because it’s ALOT to tell people. It’s a lot for people to absorb. But it’s also a lot of weight to lose without owning the HOW!

*Funny little side story. An acquaintance recently asked what I had been doing and I was feeling rather brave that day so I tell her all I have just written above and her reply was priceless.

With huge eyes and complete awe she asked “wow that is Oprah worthy — do you know Oprah??!”

Bahahaha – ummmm no, but maybe someone could hook a sister up!

I would love to hear from you if you decide to try this. Be patient and kind to yourself. It’s a beautiful process. <3

Thank you for sharing in my journey.

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Please, Stop Glorifying Tired

You can’t glide through your social media news feed each day without seeing a meme like this:

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Or a million others that are similar.

OR we have that friend who feels the need to post everything they accomplished today.
“Feed the dog, washed the dishes, did three loads of laundry and now supper is cooking.”

Since when did being tired or constantly “on the go” become such a glorified existence.

Yep, I’m tired.  I absolutely am!  I have three kids, maintain a house, and up until February I worked.  BUT I never once felt like I need to push through tired.  Why is tired a good thing?

If you ARE tired – your body is SCREAMING at you.  It’s sending you a message to please stop.  To please have a break.  To sit and BE for one day or two days or seven days.  To sleep.  To nap.  To do anything to refill your tank.

Since when is running on empty something we brag about with our friends.  If you are tired from running your kids every where and you have been tired for the past three years – its time to consider a new life schedule.
I personally know one lady who, every single time I see her, when I say “Hey how are you?” She states “Tired” or “Exhausted”  Seriously??!!  Why?  Why are you running yourself so ragged that you are tired ALL. THE.  TIME.

Don’t get me wrong.  We get tired.  Sometimes.  But if you are constantly run down or burnt out or feeling so incredibly exhausted that THIS is the version of yourself you are presenting to the world, it’s time to reconsider what you are making a priority in life.

I get it – we are busy people.  But truthfully I hate the word BUSY!  Busy is merely an excuse so we don’t have to do the things we don’t WANT to do.  Just own it – instead of saying you’re busy – say you don’t want to.  Allow yourself the freedom of deciding – I don’t want to.  It’s ok – nothing is going to blow up.  In fact, if someone gets angry at you because you have stated “I don’t want to”  That’s their reaction – not yours.  Start setting boundaries.

Stop glorifying busy and tired.  We are creating a generation of kids who are so run ragged that they don’t know what to do with free time.  They get bored because they have no idea how to use their imagination.  They don’t have time to

I know you want to know – how do I create more time.

Here’s a couple tips:
1) Dump anything from your schedule or your kids schedule that they don’t LOVE.  If it doesn’t light you up and excite you – don’t waste your time, money or effort on it.  There is plenty of things out there that you will want to go to every week.  It shouldn’t feel like work.

2) Stop volunteering for things you hate.  Really.  If it helps think of it this way:  How you feel about something is the energy you take with you.  If you hate sitting at a registration desk for events, but you volunteer for it anyway – guess what kind of energy you are sending out from behind that registration desk.

3) If you child is NOT in 8,000 activities per year, please know they will not start to light fires and torture kitten and become bad members of society.  It is safe for them to roam the streets and hang with friends.  If you have taught them correctly they will not light fires while they are out and about.

4) Honor your body.  If you are tired, nap!  If you are too tired to clean, don’t clean today.  It will be there tomorrow.  Start to encourage your family to HELP you make meals or clean up or whatever it is to give you more time.  We are so fortunate to live in a time when men and women are equal parents, make sure everyone is pulling their weight so you can breathe.

5) No one is perfect.  We all feed our families shitty meals from time to time.  Or we don’t do the laundry each week.  Or our kids wear the same clothes to bed that they wore in the sandbox that afternoon (because they are their favorites)  Stop trying to be perfect.

6)  Don’t compare yourself with what you see on facebook.  90% of Facebook statuses are bullshit.  Seriously.  NO one is as happy or as motivated all the time as their Facebook profile will lead you to believe.  So stop doing things because you think every other parent is doing them.  Create your lifestyle with what serves YOUR family and no one else.

And most importantly, please stop denying your body what it needs.  Whether that’s sleep or time to play or create or draw and run or whatever it is that fills you.  When you honor your body, you fill your cup.  When you fill your cup – you can give more to those around you.  If you’re running on empty you can’t serve anyone.

Now go listen to your body!

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