Lately things have been shifting pretty fast over here. I hit the ground running a few weeks ago with my “My Apologies for my disappearance….I was abducted” post.
After hitting submit on that post, I headed out of town to work on a project with a friend.
That Monday came and everything dumped on its side. Perhaps it was because I was tired. Perhaps it was because of the project I worked on…Regardless of the reason, something happened on Monday.
And although it’s difficult to put into words, I also know that so often during my most difficult moments, I am reminded that somewhere out there someone else is feeling the same way.
So for those people, I create this post for today.
The Monday started as many of my Mondays over the past three months have started, exhausted. From the moment, my head lifted from my blessed pillow my brain argued with my body. My body was confident we had enough sleep to function, but my mind severely disagreed and longingly wished to climb back under the blankets in which we had just emerged.
I came down the stairs, entered the kitchen and placed my favorite purple coffee mug onto the launch pad of the Keurig. As the coffee lovingly gurgled my sign for a day of new beginnings, I stretched and yawned and looked around my house.
Perhaps I had been under my blanket for far too long and so I was still adjusting to the sunlight that my eyes had grown unaccustomed to. Whatever the reason, that morning as I looked around my house, the piles of toys, the clutter, the papers, the STUFF — it all seemed like ALOT.
As I removed my coffee from the machine and brought the first, delightful sip to my mouth, I honest to God thought, “Did nobody take care of anything around here while I was gone?”
As soon as the thought erupted in my mind, I remember thinking “Lana, that is absurd, you weren’t actually gone, you know that right.”
Yet, I really DID feel like I was gone for the past three months. I felt like I was on vacation or an extended leave and finally came back to my life. Except upon my return, I was trying to squeeze and maneuver myself back in which seemed to require a lot of exertion.
And still everything became more and more strange as the day (and week) went on.
Suddenly my furniture felt uncomfortable. And dark and heavy and boring.
My favorite pants were no longer my favorite. In fact, my entire closet felt like someone else had purchased the clothing and placed them in my closet WITHOUT EVER considering what I would like.
My soothing music in my truck was now loud and harsh. Radio stations were flipped through at lightening speed with little recognition or enjoyment of any tune being played.
The dings on our walls created by our children being children, that were once charming and a right of passage, now seemed like deep canyons which gaped with rude obviousness.
Comedians weren’t funny. Period! I always try to shift my vibration by watching comedians. This week, not even these could shift me.
My kids seemed incredibly LOUD and whiny and needy. As well as completely incapable of understanding the words coming out of my mouth. Which in truth, was half my fault, because I couldn’t seem to decipher what they were asking either.
My bed was hard and smelly adorned with pilled and scratchy sheets.
The ideas and things I felt were fun last week were no longer interesting to me at all.
Friendships were dissected and noticed for their truths.
So many things happened that week, all of which felt so foreign to me. So far away from me. So completely disconnected to me.
All the things (aside from my family) were no longer of interest to me. It’s like I didn’t recognize anything in my life.
I know for much of the week, I wasn’t in my body. I know I do that when shit gets hard. I compartmentalize. I drift away. So as a result, I felt very airy and even more lost.
In honesty, I actually remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking, “What the fuck happened to me?” I felt as though I was plopped into a body that was much too large, and much too old and much to uncared for. As a result, I then thought “Crap, this is gonna be a lot of work to get this body back in proper working order.” (Which I know sounds laughable, but yet it illustrates the level of disconnection that I was going through)
The headaches were enormous and laced with nausea.
By now, I’m sure you get the picture, and now you’re wondering why this was happening to me:
I can’t exactly explain for good reason why this happened. Usually when I share my posts I have a problem followed by a solution. This time I don’t have such a neat little package to present you.
I do understand that lately I have been working on me, in new ways.
I also know we have many planets in Retrograde right now, however I really don’t feel they are to blame. In fact, I feel the opposite and instead believe these retrogrades are helping our planet and us sort through everything more effectively.
I also know that the movement into the 5th Dimension Energy (as soon as I figure out a proper way to write about 5th Dimension, I will create a post to share with you)is affecting me; clearly more than I ever realized.
The only way I can begin to properly explain how I felt that week is like this: Our brains carry files. When we are sad, our brain pulls a file to figure out how to make us happy again. My brain was pulling files, but my body was like the bitchy lady from The Devil Wears Prada shaking her head irritated and stating “No, try again”
So my brain kept pulling file after file after file. But she still wasn’t happy.
Friday was horrible for me. I felt so incredibly sad and lost and I didn’t have any clue how to fix it. So that night I cried, ALOT.
Saturday I left my house with a complete loss of self. I was out to run errands, but I had high hopes on finding myself in the process. Or finding something that made me happy, in the very least.
As I drove (with my stereo off because – ugh – that dreadful music) I was close to freakin’ out. My brain was blowing files and trying to right us, but it was also starting to get scared because it couldn’t figure out what was going on.
And then suddenly my brain pulled a file dated November 2014.
I sat in a room in Sedona, Arizona. Knowing I was on the cusp of transition. Knowing that everything was going to change. Knowing I was going to be ok, even though the change was uncomfortable as hell.
November 2014 I had gone to Sedona to attend a conference that was being held by my coach. I knew this was my last hoorah with her. I knew I was essentially saying Good Bye to her and moving into a new direction with a new coach.
Before the conference even started, I sat in the Arizona sun breathing deep as my brain pulled file after file trying to figure it all out.
I was scared and felt disconnected from everything.
Back in current day, as Regina blows by my trucks windows, I take a deep breathe and realize…
The last time I felt like this, the change that came was one of the greatest change I will ever know. It was a change that catapulted me into who I am today. It created the latest version of me — Lana 2.0, if you will.
So by Saturday I decided, I will be ok. I don’t know what the newest version of me will look like. But I know it will be worth it. As I ran my errands, I took a mental inventory of everything that felt foreign and decided to honor the foreign-ness of it all. If my music was loud and harsh, then I would buy all new discs for my truck. If my clothes felt uncomfortable, I would buy new comfy clothes.
Because I understand, I am shifting and changing and sometimes that means that my world has to shift and change to keep up. What was once safe and calming for me, is no longer so. That doesn’t mean that I am neither safe nor calm, it means my body needs something different to create the safe and calm environment. So that’s what it shall be.
With plenty of elbow room (because who buys CD’s nowadays) in Walmart Electronics Department I sifted through compact discs, the fog in my brain began to lift.
And I felt happier somehow.
When I placed the new discs on the checkout counter, my brain stopped looking for files. Because clearly we were never meant to find those files anyway. So we (my brain and I) are now creating new files. As we wish. As we can. And it feels damn good.
For anyone who is feeling disconnected from your life, know that I’m sending you love. It’s feels scary, especially when you don’t recognize things that you KNOW once made you happy. It’s ok! You are safe. And you are capable of creating a new path. And new files. You can do anything you want to do. Anyway you want to. Take your time. Don’t rush your body. Just listen. You will get there. Hugs and love to you, my brave friends!
Thanks for sharing in my journey.
If you like this post, please share it.