I’m done hiding. I’m done feeling ashamed. I’m done. I’m exhausted from hiding away and biding my time until all the smoke has blown over. I miss my blog and I miss my people. I miss writing and creating and “word magic”.
I’ve been gone for a long time. I held a lot of reasons why I couldn’t blog. Why I had to wait. The truth was I was scared. I gave two men the ability to hold the power in our house and in my thoughts. Like prey surrounded by predators, I pulled myself deep into my burrow and kept my head down. But I have finally poked my head up from my hidey hole to share my truth.
In May, my world fucking exploded. My husband came home and told me that we were in deep DEEP financial trouble. First allow me to disclose that upon my staying home with our kids, I willingly forfeited all financial knowledge within our house. I didn’t pay bills or contribute to the household income in any way. It was 100% on my husband’s shoulders. Thank fucking gawd, he has big shoulders, but I digress. My extent of financial involvement: I would ask “Are we ok?” He would assure me we were and off I went. It worked for me, I wanted to be taken care of and hold no financial responsibility and he was willing to let me do just that.
So when he came home and said we were in trouble I went through an array of emotions, from pissed off to disappointment to shame; at him and also at myself. Yet, as much as I wanted to say “Fer fuck sakes, Don” the truth was that I also allowed it by not doing a damn thing to change it.
There are many reasons why we found ourselves in the trouble we were in, from poor financial decisions for the past 20 years, to failed business attempts (on my part) to hefty dental bills (for our entire family) topped off with significant business losses (on my husbands end). Add all these together and we have a recipe for a fire-y blaze of epic proportions.
Our household finances were held together by good looks and pure fucking luck over the past three years. That’s the absolute truth. Ok, fine maybe it wasn’t THAT horrible, but it wasn’t great that’s for sure! We were convinced we could dig out, but eventually we just couldn’t.
The government reminded us of this when they froze all of our bank accounts (due to a significant accounting error we endured a back payment that had yet to be paid)
And then, my husband was gifted one last swift kick in the balls when he was accused of defrauding a company in which he was partners. That’s when the blaze started fucking roaring out of control.
Through tears and pure adrenaline the decision was made to downsize, liquidate and start over. Clear our slate. We listed our house and our lake property. In addition, my husband was forced into a buy out position at his partnership business (which was a secondary business he carried with these “friends”). Don would continue with his personal business and I would increase my work load while homeschooling the kids. We nodded, agreed and off we went.
We quickly got cozy with lawyers and accountants and family and friends. Anyone and everyone who could help us get this fire under control. For six months every waking moment was devoted to digging out of the debt and as well as extinguishing the FUCKING RIDICULOUS accusations.
By October everything was done. Our house was sold as well as our lake property was sold. The false accusations towards my husband were proven to be just that, FALSE and the corporate buy out was complete and we were settled into a new house on an acreage.
We are now four months out of the fire. With time comes clarity. Every movement has a gift, however it’s impossible to see it while the flames are licking at your face. But once the rubble is cool, a person can go back and hunt through the ruins for treasures. That’s the spot we are in now. Hunting for treasures.
As I look back, I can smile because we were gifted so many things:
1) A new respect for our family. For six months, all they heard about was how the fight was going. New changes or little movements that we had to conquer. Each and every conversation was probably exhausting to them, but they all supported us. They held our hands. They wrote cheques. They cried with us. They got angry with us. They came up with ideas and game plans to make it all bearable.
2) We made new friends. We needed all the resources we could find. We called people that we “hoped” could help us with the industry knowledge they carried. What we got was a new group of people who helped us redefine the word friendship. These people became our personal army. A tribe of people who made calls to their people to help us come up with ideas to make things move more quickly and easier. In addition, it strengthened our friendships with those who truly emotionally supported us.
3) I learned my own ability to manifest. We were listing a house that was built in 1990. Not extremely old by any means, but old enough for the price point it was listed at that even realtors were questioning the speed in which that house would sell, due to the current financial situation in the Regina housing market. Yet our house sold in THREE MONTHS! Not as quickly as I would like, but it moved and with little issue. We also sold our lake property in ONE MONTH. Contrary to the other properties out there which has sat for over a year (or even up to five years for some)
4) I learned my ability to get clear on what we want. We had trouble finding a new house, we had specific requirements we wanted and it was no easy feat to find it. We had a specific location, house size and land size that we all wanted in order to move into the next phase of our life. When the time came, we got all that we wanted (plus a bit more, because, what can I say, I’m just that fucking good at following directions I learned from attending manifesting coaching calls lol)
5) We learned that some people were never meant to be our friends. That some people were chose as friends, merely because we shared the same interests as them. Instead of considering who they truly were. How they would react when someone was in trouble. True friends are those who HELP you when you’re in trouble. Friends are not those who take an opportunity to take you down at the knees when things are tough.
6) Financial Freedom. For the first time EVER since the day we met, we are financially free. We do not carry an outstanding balance on anything. We have the ability to move or do whatever we choose.
7) Plan for the future. We have never had the freedom to truly plan for our future. What we want for ourselves and our kids and our lives. We have always been in a fight or flight financial situation. We are now making decisions based on long term financial freedom.
I can say many vulgar things about our situation and the men that contributed to it, but the truth is, it has been a gift. It has offered us the opportunity to completely start over, freely and without a knee jerk, “keep the vultures at bay” mentality.
We decided to move to an acreage. We had thrown around the idea eight years ago before we bought the house in the city. Back then, we had decided we wanted the kids to attend a city school, but now, with three kids who are homeschooled we felt more free to move anywhere we wish.
The kids love the acreage. We have been here since October and my kids have collectively logged more hours outside than they ever had in the city. My oldest has the ability to snowmobile right outside our door. We are getting chickens and going to plant a garden. The idea of all of this makes my heart so happy sometimes I think it might explode. We are truly in the most peaceful and happy space we have ever been. And all thanks to the grossest, most difficult moment we have ever had to move through.
Don and I, well we have grown as a couple. Last year if you would have asked me I would have said “I can’t imagine it getting better” yet after this has all rolled out, we are stronger than ever. I love that man, for all he did for us. For the amount of stress he was under, he handled it. It was his good looks that kept our finances together. And I thank god for him. Together, we weathered the storm and now we share. We co-create. In truth, I thought we did that before, but NOW I realize, we are co-creating.
So there you have it. I’m now back in the blogging saddle. I have missed this space. I will not hide anymore. People will say what people will say. AND SO WILL I!