The way others view us and the who we actually are can often be very different.
If you ask the people who have met me who I am they will say “She’s a super funny, happy-go-lucky type
of person who will tell you (or anyone) how she feels about something (or anything)”
And although there is truth in their observation — there are also a lot of things I don’t say. But most always, these “things” are my personal emotions.
People are often amazed when I cry or am scared or struggle.
I actually had a friend/client adorably equate me to Mary Poppins “seemingly perfect in every way”.
Which made me snort with laughter.
I have clearly done a brilliant job of holding myself together and creating a personality using the traits I want others to see me as.
And I think many of us have done this as well. We do it to keep safe. We do it incase people don’t understand us.
But I have also come to realize how much work it can be to hold your emotions. And how sometimes our emotions jump out at the most inappropriate times…..
I was set to take the stage at a huge tradeshow here in Regina. This tradeshow would become the largest audience I would ever stand in front of. The attendance for this show surpassed any numbers I had ever been able to pull in myself.
I was slated to do a live mediumship show. And let me be brutally honest when I say I was literally shitting my pants over it for MONTHS prior.
The amount of tears I shed could have alleviated the stress of anyone dealing against a national water shortage!
The big day had arrived. I had done my hair, my make up and chose my outfit. The rest of my job was to stand on stage and let spirit take over.
No easy task.
As you can tell from what I said above I like to control. Control my feelings and control how others see me. So for a controller to stand on stage and let 100 GHOSTS take over — well, I was SHITTING my pants again.
I am pacing next to the stage stairs, taking “deep, cleansing breathes” that aren’t actually doing a damn thing to calm my nerves.
As the emcee is introducing me, a lady meets my eye. A lady who I have known most of my life, but hardly ever see. We say hi, but I’m also trying to listen to when the emcee’s introduction ceases and I will be cued to step on stage.
So when my long time friend steps forward to begin our “catch up” chat I am, unfortunately, forced to cut her short and blurt out “I’m sorry — I’m going on in 2 seconds. I have to go”
She is incredibly gracious and understanding and says “Ohmigosh, no problem. Good luck!”
And I say “Thank you, I love you!”
Now, what I meant by that phrase was I love you for understanding. But instead I had just said “I love you!”
And soooo…. for over three weeks I berate myself for being weird.
Who says that — I would think to myself — to someone you haven’t seen in over 15 years. Who just blurts out I love you to a near stranger like that?!!??
Weeks later, she updated her Facebook status and so she appears on my feed. And I start thinking again about how weird I was during our brief meet up. So I decide. This has to stop. I need to apologize to her.
I write a private message:
Hey! So your name rolled across my Facebook and I’m remind….at ________ (tradeshow) I said I love you.
Lmao! Is it just me or did this seem creepy. Bahaha
I mean I’m sure you’re very loveable! But I was completely distracted and terrified to take the stage and meant I love you for understanding and letting me go….lol
Phew. Ok. That was bothering me and didn’t want you to think I was some kinda weirdo.😉
And then she responsed with THIS:
Oh Lana, never ever worry about saying I love you to me. Or any one for that matter.
I did not think at all that it was creepy or weird. Lol
It’s a kind gesture that more people should acknowledge and appreciate. I never thought anything more of it. 😊
So in saying all this, I love you too 😘
I hope you and your family are doing well. Maybe one day we can meet and have a nice visit.
WOW!! Through my tears I formulated an adequate thank you response.
But the truth is her response affected me so profoundly over the past two years.
How many times have you stopped yourself from sharing how you feel or accidentally blurted out something that embarrassed you?
I know I had done it a million times. In my marriage. In my friendships. With my own family. I keep myself under control.
Never wanting to appear weird. Never wanting someone to be able to say “She’s too touchy feely for me”. Too clingy. Too much. Too weird.
But most importantly, and here’s the truth — never wanting to get hurt.
We see it so often in new relationship. We’ve heard of the person who has broken off a relationship because their new partner has blurted out “I love you” too soon.
We’ve seen poor Tom Cruise get ripped apart in the media for shouting his love for Katie Holmes from the rooftops (ok ok, from Oprahs couch). We all read the headlines that followed; wondering if he was high or just too deep in Scientology all because he has professed such a love so vocally!
Really?!!? This is our society. A place where professing our love is deemed as weird or unprofessional.
Let us all, together, commit to never apologizing for saying I Love You. Never apologize for sharing your feelings. Never apologize for feeling something so deeply that you can’t help, but blurt it out.
Ride this emotion. Ride the feeling. And enjoy the rush.
I can feel someone who is reading this thinking, “But what if they don’t feel the same? What if they don’t love me back!”
Then thank them for not wasting your time. And move on. If they don’t love you back — they aren’t your person. I know right now you can’t imagine a life without them, but one day you will look back and understand it was never what you thought it to be.
Dont worry! There are plenty of people who will love you back. They will appreciate you for you. Don’t waste your time on those who don’t.
We only get so many days on this earth and I don’t know about you, but I would rather spend my time with those who love me back, than those who do not!!
Share your favorite “I Love You” story in the comments below!